The Games People Play and Why

In 1964 Eric Berne wrote "The Games People Play", and laid out in excruciating terms how we manipulate each other in order get what we need out of our relationships. He wrote about children who misbehave because this is the most successful way of generating attention from their parents. He wrote about Stable parasitic relationships where one person is domineering and other submissive, but both get something from the relationship. The domineering person is able to justify and explain away their aggressive behavior by ranting to friends about how the other person in the relationship is like child who needs structure or some other self-justification. The submissive person is able to feel noble by virtue of the sympathy received from friends and family and the concerned attention lavished on them. The one member of the relationship gets to let their aggression run wild, and the other gets to receive sympathy and play the victim.

This is who we are. We are people who play games in order to extract from the people around us, those things psyche needs: attention, validation, identity, and so forth. In a functioning society, culture and tradition and community steers people towards healthy games that empower the players. In a sick culture, either there are no guides, or the guides send people to games designed to benefit a small portion of society at the expense of the other players.

Any community that wishes to be healthy and functioning will look at the games being played and adjust them as necessary. A new set of games can be created consciously, look at Alcoholics Anonymous. The organization mixed success in getting people to stop drinking, but it is very successful at changing the games people play. School likewise teaches children whole new sets of games. To set up new games, either group coherence is required or else a change to the physical environment that forces or at least nudges people to play the new games.

The games we play today are not helping us. Watch any reality Television show. Watch Maury or Jerry Springer. Oh never mind, you probably do already. The point is that our games have become embarrassing as well as damaging. And we need to do something about it if we want to preserve what we have built.